Facing reality

I did what i had to do yesterday. I did what I should have done 2 years ago. I did what I should have done everyday for the past two years. I did something which I never thought I was able to do. I did it without planning to. I did it without hesitation. I did it, because I know it's the truth.

I have deliberated it enough. I have thought about it enough. I have contemplated it enough. And I have obviously prolonged it enough. To come to this point however, I realized that I was too late.

Knowing that I failed to do something; knowing that I am not capable of doing something; knowing that I am not brave enough to do something; all this is of course a tragic occurrence. But knowing that I am too late, it is something most tormenting and unbearable. It's beyond sorrow. It's beyond grief. It's the paramount of regret.

But I know it was my mistake. And there is nothing I can do to reverse it. I had my chance and I blew it. And now, God is making me feel the torment and the sorrow that I have caused her. And I am willing to go through it to understand the consequences of what I had done before. The consequences of my short-term thinking and lack of positivity topped of with my selfishness and greed. This are my dues that I have to pay for. I thank God for making me understand this. For making me go through this painful, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, hopeless period for me to feel what I have done unto her. I accept this and I will not run away.

I have made a mistake. I have admitted this to everyone that I know. I have lived in regret day in and day out. And I have been and I am trying to change for the better. I may have blown my chance at eternal bliss. But I pray to God to give me another chance, another life, another hope, another dream. It will never be close to the greatness and beauty of what I have lost. But at least, while I dutifully pay my destructive dues, I know that my lost chance, my one and only, my bliss, is happy.

"If you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's yours"
I guess the saying is untrue.

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Ketika...

Ku rasakan sudah...

Ada ruang di hatiku...

Yang kau sentuh...

Dan Ketika...

Ku sedari sudah...

Tak selalu indah cinta...

Yang ada...

Mungkin memang....

Ku yang harus mengerti...

Bilaku...

Bukan yang ingin kau miliki...

Salahku bila...

Kaulah yang ada di hati ku...

Adakah ku singgah di hatimu...

Mungkinkah kau rindukan padaku...

Adakah ku sedikit di hatimu...

Bilakah ku mengganggu harimu...

Mungkin kau tak inginkan adaku...

Akankah ku sedikit di hatimu...

Bila memang...

Ku yang harus mengerti...

Mengapa...

Cinta mu tak dapat ku miliki...

Salahkah ku bila...

Kaulah yang ada di hatiku...

Bila cinta...

Kita takkan tercipta...

Ku hanya...

Sekadar ingin untuk mengerti...

Adakah diriku...

Singgah di hatimu...

Dan bilakah kau tahu...

Kaulah yang ada di hati ku...

And its true...